random thoughts...

current inspirations...

2009-08-30T14:33:00.002-04:00

in a french sort of mood...

2009-04-15T23:51:00.002-04:00

current inspirations...

2009-03-17T18:51:00.002-04:00

2009-03-16T02:18:00.001-04:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

leaves do fall...

2009-02-27T21:09:00.002-05:00

The winter air has warmed to spring's first kiss, but the air, like your affections will soon cool again. Soldiers in our own personal histories will attempt for years to come to plow salt into the memories you and I share until nothing will grow there but our contempt for the happiness we once shared.

"time is a game only children play well..."

current inspirations...

2009-02-22T22:50:00.002-05:00

the happiest i've been...

2009-02-09T22:12:00.002-05:00

When we came into tunnel country the flicker and hollow amplification stirred Neil awake. He sat up, the mackinaw dropping to his lap, and lit a cigarette. A second after the scratch of his match occurred the moment of which each following moment was a slight diminution, as we made the long irregular descent toward Pittsburgh. There were many reasons for my feeling so happy. We were on our way. I had seen a dawn. This far, Neil could appreciate, I had brought us safely. Ahead, a girl waited who, if I asked, would marry me, but first there was a vast trip: many hours and towns interceded between me and that encounter. There was the quality of the then a.m. sunlight as it existed in the air ahead of the windshield, filtered by the thin overcast, blessing irresponsibility- you felt you could slice forever through such a cool pure element- and springing, by implying how high these hills had become, a widespreading pride: Pennsylvania, your state- as if you had made your life. And there was knowing that twice since midnight a person had trusted me enough to fall asleep beside me.

J. Updike

These few lines destroyed me tonight as I read them huddled among the masses of an orange line rush hour. Having extensively traveled the PA Turnpike from "tunnel country" to the Ohio border, the hills and irregular descent that Updike describes are the vistas of my youth. I'm slightly afraid though that the moment for me, that all moments henceforth will be a slight diminution, has already passed.

if i could collect together a mixtape for you...

2008-12-20T01:57:00.002-05:00

2008-12-07T18:29:00.001-05:00

in which i post things that kate has found which are awesome...

2008-12-03T22:48:00.000-05:00

Dancing Plague of 1518

time again for my favorite xmas videos...

2008-11-30T00:35:00.002-05:00

#1 All time favorite Christmas duet. EVER

Not Christmas, necessarily, but its from White Christmas so it counts.

At any given moment in my retail slave job when some horrible customer is standing in front of me, this is going through my head.

rockwell...

2008-09-08T17:35:00.001-04:00

d.a.r.l.i.n.g...

2008-08-29T00:43:00.003-04:00

Where did you come from
You're no stranger
How I know
you will return
so I won't be sad
D.A.R.L.I.N.G.

In that harbor of a room
you'll find your anchor soon
in the parting of our ways
may it never happen
any way

In the highest blackened moon
there'd be more life
in the right shade of our
sighs, Death!, be gone!
D.A.R.L.I.N.G.

In that harbor of a room
you'll find your anchor soon
in the parting of our ways
may it never happen
anyway...

All of your charms
couldn't keep you from...

-beach house

everything all the time...

2008-08-25T20:13:00.002-04:00

Spent the last week psychotically cleaning my room. I was able to get rid of about 4 garbage bags worth of stuff that I was carrying around for no reason and I was able to pull together about 3 bags full of clothing to donate. It's immensely satisfying to purge my life of all the bullshit and garbage that I carry around and I wish it were as easy to purge my insides as it is to physically put something in a bag and place it on the curb.

youtubing of the week...

2008-08-17T19:03:00.002-04:00

things i've done this week so far...

2008-07-31T21:16:00.001-04:00

___ ___________ _________, originally uploaded by Sexy Fitsum.

I attended a lecture by Thurston Moore and Byron Coley at the Corchoran School with John.

this about sums up my life...

2008-05-05T00:10:00.001-04:00

i'm lovin' it...

2008-05-05T00:06:00.001-04:00

of mustache wax and NO SALT...

2008-04-28T00:04:00.003-04:00

I recently found an old book that my grandfather gave me years ago. In its front cover is an inscription that states that my grandfather was reading this book, in the hospital on the day I was born. The book, "Theophilus North" by Thornton Wilder is a favorite of mine for many reasons. First in some grand exaggerated way I identify with Theophilus, though I am not sure if I force that in my head because I want to believe in some cosmic twist of fate that lead my grandfather to read this book the day of my birth and not something with a crappier protagonist.

Another and more real reason I love this book is for the inscription. I've been hoarding every scrap of my grandfather's writing I can find. His perfect script is more precious to me than gold and every piece of it is a treasure. One of my more superficial thoughts when he passed away is that I'd never see another card with his handwriting. This Christmas this fact hit me in the chest and kicked the shit out of me as I opened up the card from my grandmother. She, like me, has terrible handwriting and would always ask my grandfather to write out the insides of cards and when I only saw her hand, I had to choke back tears. Even the mundane when written in his handwriting is valuable to me and not always for the content and not for the beauty in which it is written, but because it is a representation of his words and sentiments which were always written and sometimes spoken. We're a family of inscribers and card writers and words are cherished above all.

The book still smells like him too.

When I cracked open it's pages and breathed in his smell today, I started crying again and I haven't been able to stop since...

this weekend...

2008-04-27T23:37:00.005-04:00

muss es sein?

2008-04-20T22:50:00.003-04:00

It has been raining this entire day. Dreary spring rain which makes the grass and weeds grow furiously in the front yard of our little narrow house. All the greenery exists in this vivid shade of green that is so fresh and so new. I know I am as green as the weeds grappling to find my place among the grass. I don't want to be cut down.

things i done did...

2008-03-30T19:58:00.001-04:00

Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks, originally uploaded by seeing_aspects.

Saw Malkmus and the Jicks at 9:30

current listening...

2008-03-30T19:55:00.002-04:00

Steven Malkmus and the Jicks - Real Emotional Trash
Devendra Bahnart - Cripple Crow
Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
Beck - Guero
Eisley - Combinations
Sonic Youth - Rather Ripped
Hot Chip - The Warning
Radio Head - In Rainbows
Animal Collective - Sung Tongs
Antony And The Johnsons - I am a Bird Now
Architecture In Helsinki - Places Like This

start the reactorz...

2008-01-07T22:15:00.001-05:00

sunset, originally uploaded by seaships.

I want to live an eternity in the moment when I took this picture. I want to be perched atop cliff riddled with etched declarations of love, staring at the expansive sea. If I think hard enough I can taste the cool salty wind on my lips and feel it tangle up in my hair. I felt many things, alone and standing there, fear, joy, anticipation and possibility...

call me biased...

2008-01-07T08:04:00.001-05:00

_______________ _, originally uploaded by Sexy Fitsum.

but, I really loved Metro's show on the 5th.

this is like so gay, but ...

2007-12-15T01:43:00.000-05:00

i'm sorry...

2007-12-08T01:56:00.000-05:00

i've been spending the last few weeks of my life feeling like i am too old, or too stupid or too fat to really ever amount to anything accomplished and it's incredibly frustrating.
I'd love to be in a place where I finally felt secure in all aspects of my life instead of just a few. And I'd love feeling like some people gave a shit about me when they were not single or actively trying to not be. Dudes are such fair weather friends.
I'm tired of putting my self on the line for people who don't bother to return a phone call.
I'm tired of subsisting in a life/relationship where I don't feel physically valued or attractive.
I'm tired of feeling invested in people, things, degrees and jobs only to feel disappointed in the end.
I'm tired of all the bullshit.
I'm tired of trying to live up to the image of what my parents want me to be.
I'm tired of apologizing for being a fuck up.
I'm sorry I'll never be what you want me to be.
I'm sorry I'll never be as good as I promise to be and I'm sorry I'll never live up to ghosts of your past.
I can only be myself, and that person is a failure, a hourly retail worker, a fuck up, a selfish bastard, a giant coward and an overly emotional train wreck.

I can only be myself, and that is a person who is full of hope that life will someday get better, and I won't have to beat myself up over what I am and am not anymore.

current inspirations...

2007-10-11T22:22:00.002-04:00

Chuck Close "Big Self Portrait"

Jackson Pollock "The Key"

adventure bound...

2007-09-21T01:13:00.000-04:00

I want an adventure.
I want a break.
I want to love.
I want to allow myself to be.

I want my own Alaska.

Spit on A Stranger...

2007-09-04T00:42:00.000-04:00

However you feel.
Whatever it takes.
Whenever it's real.
Whatever awaits me.
Whatever you need,
However so slight
Whenever it's real.
Whenever it's right.

I've been thinking long and hard about the things you said to me,
Like a bitter stranger.
Now I see the long and short the middle and what's in between,
I could spit on a stranger.
...Pull me out
You're a bitter stranger.
...Pull me out

Whatever you feel.
Whatever it takes.
Whenever it's real.
Whatever awaits me.
Whatever you need,
However so slight.

Honey, I'm a prize and you're a catch and we're a perfect match,
Like two bitter strangers.
Now I see the long and short of it and I can make it last,
I could spit on a stranger.
...Pull me out
You're a bitter stranger.
...Pull me out
I could spit on a stranger.
...Pull me out
You're a bitter stranger.
...Pull me out
I could spit on a stranger.
...Pull me out
You're a bitter stranger.
...Pull me out

I see the sunshine in your eyes.
I'll try the things you never try.
I'll be the one that leaves you high,
high,
high.

-S.Malkmus

R.I.P. AJS...

2007-08-26T21:23:00.000-04:00

I am standing upon the seashore
A ship at my side spread her white sails to the ocean
She is an object of beauty and strength
I stand and watch her until at length
She hands like a speck of white cloud
Just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: "There she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all
Her diminished size is in me.
Not in her.
And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There she is gone!"
Other voices take up the glad shout:

"Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

A Poem
by Henry Scott Holland

it's all of the good that won't come out of me...

2007-08-22T23:35:00.001-04:00

The end of August has always been my least favorite time of year. It has always signaled a change of the status quo. I've always enjoyed getting older and the social changes that have accompanied that but I think I have this latent dread from my childhood over every new September spent in the knowledge that a stage in my life is over and another chunk of my innocence gone. As a kid my family moved a lot during my early elementary years. Septembers meant a new school and a new set of friends to make and new changes to adapt to. Some kids are able to use this constant instability to their advantage and are able to pick up on the small social clues and use this knowledge to have an easier go about it. I don't think I was ever really able to do this well as a kid. I think I was maybe too sensitive to it all and thusly took nearly everything to heart. I wasn't entirely a weirdo, I did have friends, but mostly the friends I had were outcasts too and kids who fit in even less than I did. The girl who's father pirated software and shot porn films in their basement who was arrested on my mother's birthday, was my best friend for 2 years.

When my childhood finally settled in one location it was at the weirdo age when all children start to realize the power of social interaction. While I found my place and eventually made it through OK, I still to this day feel perched upon this precipice of insecurity when it comes to change. I know I've sort of become a one note symphony in the last few months about this but in 2 days I'll be burying one of the most influential people in my life, marking this August like so many before it, a turning point. I don't know what cliff I am standing on top of this time though.

bithday bluez...

2007-07-24T01:27:00.000-04:00

It's already 1.5 hours into my birthday and already I am struggling with how to feel today. I want to be excited, but I can't rally the nerve. With my parents out of the country I sort of dread who from my family will be calling, although I know I don't want to talk to anybody, but I know I am shallow enough to be hurt if no one does. I feel like everybody wants me to be excited about it but since Pap-Pap died, I knew this day would be difficult for me and I sort of wonder if it is so hard because of his loss or because I kept telling myself it would be difficult. I don't know.

Whenever I think about him too much I start crying and it's over the dumbest things. While I am pretty sure that his memorial service will help me put some closure, I think I'll always feel little raw over it. At the moment I sort of want to run away to the Rockies and climb up high and just sit on top of the world. I'll let the sun burn and blister my skin and let my lungs struggle to take in the too thin air. I'd allow myself to be sick in the dizzy feeling of being that far up and I think I'd enjoy the entire sensory overload. I admit that sounds a little unhealthy, but I think I'd like to go somewhere and do something that required me to be able to use my body for what it's worth. I want to revel in each sensation, the heat from the sun and the cool winds on my skin, using my eyes to see all the brilliance in the thin air I'd be concentrating on breathing in and using to fuel my insides and brain while I struggled to stay on top of it all and be in control. The prospect of all of that sound deliriously enchanting, though I think ultimately any sort of distraction to take me away from my thoughts on the subject would be a welcome change.

2007-07-18T13:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I happened into a UMC for the first time since leaving St. Paul's years ago. I had to go into the Fellowship Hall for a pre-assessment for my senior portfolio. I suppose the school didn't have enough space, and so we were in the church. The one thing that struck me was the smell. It was the same industrial smell that is shared with buildings created in the late 60s, plus the smell of all of those Bibles and Hymnals. All I could think about during my pre-assessment were the times I tore through the halls of St. Paul's, running around with friends in between church and sunday school and as I grew older all the time I spent in the church for various Youth Group related activities.

minus one...

2007-06-26T03:36:00.000-04:00

Insomnia has been chasing me around for the last week or so. I decided to attempt to ignore it by either getting shitfaced, sleeping at John's, putting on a movie, late night phone dialing or sleeping with the lights on. Some bizarre combo of all of these usually results in a few hours during the quiet night where I can sort of forget that my grandfather died last week and sort of get a few hours of sleep. Last Monday in a session of late night phone dialing I ended up sobbing hysterically on the phone to several people in an especially fucked up game wherein I become this insanely emotionally needy person and need the support of multiple people to get me back to base. Although I realize, when you are in pain and especially feeling the pain of loss it is perfectly acceptable to reach out to others for support, I hate feeling like I can't keep it together and especially allowing other people to see that. Enough. Today I've been awake since about 7:00AM and it's now about 5:00AM. Long day, can't sleep. Same story, different shit.

be amazed! I comand it!

2007-05-04T02:21:00.000-04:00

where I abuse flickr to show you what I did this weekend...

2007-04-29T22:38:00.000-04:00

Thursday:

five four

photo by: xx0230

Bang Gang

photo by: xx0230

Metropolitan

photo by: dotslinesandpolygons

Pela

photo by: dotslinesandpolygons

Saturday:

Dismemberment Plan

photo by: Ed Dame

Sunday:

Gravelly Point

photo by: k0rben

Hains Point

photo by: johnnymetro

fin

random thoughts...

2007-04-24T22:16:00.000-04:00

1: Bear Grylls, have my babies.

2: It's just a piece of dirt in my eye. No, totally, I'm fine, really.

3: I can't deal with teh cuteness.

4: Coo-coo Ca-Chaw!

5: RAD

heart pains...

2007-04-20T01:00:00.000-04:00

My mom called me yesterday. She and I talked about where our lives are headed and while for the two of us things are going well, I am unsure about some members of my family. My grandfather was miraculously able to recover somewhat from his most recent bout with his blood disorder and secondary illnesses. After talking with his doctors, he decided to recuperate as much as possible before undergoing a second round of the treatment that had crippled him so much before. As it stands now, he is still in the process of becoming well enough and requires transfusions often just to stay alive. My grandmother, asked my mother to call his doctor and ask if he ever thinks my grandfather will be well enough to undergo a second round of chemo. His answer was, no. While I suppose at this point, everything remains status quo, it is incredibly disheartening to hear. As it stands he'll be receiving blood transfusions from now until whenever it is that his journey on earth is over. Unfortunately this option leaves him with considerably less of that time than if the chemotherapy treatment was successful.

The other issue is my uncle. During the time of my grandfather's hospitalization my mother's family were all assembled bedside with the exception of my uncle who hasn't really been in touch with my family except to ask for money from my grandparents. It has been a tenuous situation which has been the cause of a lot of stress and conflict for my mother especially. While I don't really know enough or think it really appropriate to go into detail, it has become obvious to my family that he isn't in a place where he can really be trusted to make good choices for himself. My grandmother is in the process of finding a lawyer and beginning the process of declaring a legal guardian for him. As far as I know he isn't stoaked on the idea, but it unfortunately seems like the best choice.

All of this is just sort of breaking my heart, slowly. I just want to go home hug my mother, pet my dog, go driving with my little sister and call my grandparents and tell them I love them before the luxury of being able to do that is taken away from me. And then there is the VT massacre. While I am fortunate enough to know no-one affected directly by the tragedy, plenty of my hokie friends are taking this, understandably, rough.

On a slightly more positive note, I have an interview lined up for Saturday. Wish me luck.

funemployment...

2007-03-05T17:05:00.000-05:00

Well, it is closing in on one week of unemployment or "funemployment" as I've been calling it and I can't figure out what to do with myself. It is great not having to go into a work environment that was making me rather unhappy on a very consistent basis. Still I am feeling extremely antsy. I have plenty to do, but I am constantly checking myself to see if I need to be somewhere at some time, what I need to bring, what I need to do and etc etc etc. I just need to breathe and relax and finally get my school shiz in order and succeed.

I still don't think I'm over being fired. I really liked the actual job. If I can look at it from the point of view of my bosses I might have deserved it a little bit, but honestly I still don't think it was warranted. I HATED working for them. He mentioned during the firing call that I didn't respect them and no I didn't and I'm sure it was finally showing through.

I thought I was going to write this whole long post about why I hated it, but eh it doesn't seem worth it now. As it stands I'm looking forward to brighter and bigger and better things!

blah blah blah....

2007-01-26T13:41:00.000-05:00

(my great grandmother Mc Andrews holding my grandmother)

I'm in one of those sort of restless moods lately. They happen to me every once in a while where I feel the compulsive need to re-arrange my furniture or cut my hair or get another piercing or get a tattoo or drop out of school or move across the country or make something or go visit my parents or etc., etc., etc. I have no idea why. I just crave drastic change.

Usually when I've felt these impulses they've been directly connected to the depressions of my life. I've acted on them as a way to shake myself out of them an into a place of growth instead of stagnation or even worse, decline. I don't know why then, this time when I am actually happy I still crave a drastic upheaval. I'm not going to stress about it too much, but for now I think I'll try to satiate myself with the easiest of changes, like cutting my hair or maybe starting a painting. I think I may have solved my creative crisis of never being able to produce when I am not in a state of unrest.

On to something else... My grandparents are preparing to leave their home in Florida and move back to Western Pennsylvania. I am really excited about this as it puts them into a distance of driving rather than a plane ride. I am happy for Mom because she'll be closer to them. I worry about my grandparents though, mostly because I hear snippets from my mother about how apprehensive my grandma is about the move. It does mean that they will have to give up a large amount of space since they are moving from a home and into a condo. My grandma is convinced she won't be driving anymore and will have to regulate her live to living in a gigantic senior care facility. Although my grandparents are old, they've never felt that way to me. My grandma is constantly out and about doing different things, singing with different choirs and meeting with her friends from church.

The move (although it is somewhat premature) to an assisted living facility is really for the benefit of my grandfather who's struggle with his blood disorder is becoming more and more unpredictable. He was recently released from the hospital where he was for a few days after some bad results from his monthly blood testing. Although he is fine as he can be, it really bothered me. A few years ago he had a heart attack which was a blessing in that without having some sort of health crisis they would have never found his disorder, but was the first moment that I really had to deal with their mortality. My grandfather and I share the same birthday and we have always been really close. Through all of my ups and downs he was one of the few people who I felt never judged me. Every time I speak to him he tells me how proud he is of me and how much he loves me. The thought of losing him is a loss I don't think I am at all prepared to deal with and fortunately for now it is something I won't have to.

grrrrr...

2007-01-11T17:45:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know I've mostly ignored this thing for a while and now I am only going to sit down and hastily express my frustrations in a poorly worded entry but whatever, I'll probably delete this later.

I'm in the lab at school freaking out about some bullshiz that has grown to be exceptionally annoying as this week progresses. It is my fault. I am well aware of that. There is probably a lot I could have done to make my life easier up until now, but I put it off and it didn't get done and story of my life. I think I've done enough self sabotaging in my life to realize at this point that I should probably stop, but when have I ever taken anyone's advice, let alone my own.

F this. I'm so ready to be done and to move on.

chirstmas vacay a (spotty) photo retrospective...

2007-01-03T11:07:00.000-05:00

DOG

2006-11-08T03:38:00.000-05:00

The absolute best part about being awake at 3:30 in the morning is watching DOG: The Bounty Hunter. I will never get enough of this show. Seriously. I don't know what the best part is... Dog's perfectly quaffed hair, Beth's comically large breasts or the endless array of meth dealers that the islands of Hawaii have to offer?

2006-10-19T12:32:00.000-04:00

HowManyOfMe.com

There is:
1
person with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

things I miss part deaux...

2006-10-14T00:54:00.000-04:00

lazy weekdays...

2006-10-10T22:19:00.000-04:00

Since I didn't have school on Monday and John resigned from his job we decided to make the most of our day off and head over to the zoo, along with what seemed like every small child and their parents in the DC metro area. The mission was to see Tai shan, the adorable panda cub. After I spent an eternity photographing the little guy and listening to all the kids yell "PANDA" to get his attention, John and I took off to explore what other creatures the zoo had to offer, including:

Asian Elephants

Beavers

harbor Seals

Sea Lions

Brown Pelicans

Cows

prairie Dogs

and finally:

Scary Snake-Man John

Later that day, we headed over to Roosevelt Island which features this gigantic scary statue of Theodore Roosevelt:

We also saw a bunch of really cute dogs splashing around in the Potomac River:

All in all it was an absolutely wonderful day!

Live free...

2006-10-02T20:41:00.000-04:00

This past week I was at home in Pittsburgh with my family. I spent most of my time with my puppers who is now 15 and she recently had surgery to remove some moles and cysts from her body. Its kinda gross stuff that happens to dogs with age, nothing to worry about and she is still in pretty good shape aside from a lot of hearing loss and arthritis. The worst part about the whole surgery is that most of the moles removed were on her face, including one on her lower eyelid. So to keep her from scratching her stiches out she has to wear this giant cone collar, you know the kind that makes any dog look 100% more crazy and 100% more like you should stay very far away from them. The collar is so big she keeps running into things with it and catching it on corners and it really is one of the most pathetic things I have ever seen. Here is my poor dog, limping around only to catch her collar on the corner of couch and in essence clothesline herself and not be able to get out of it on her own. Thankfully though, she only has to wear it for a few more days and then she'll be back to normal and mole free.
Because my little sister and I can't leave well enough alone we utilized my dad's beloved label maker to decorate the cone. I thought my label was funny, however my little sister beats me hands down with "live free." My poor dog. I love her little paws.

In other events this week I spent a lot of time with some very dear friends. Julia and I attempted to make soap very unsuccessfully. I also did not have any fun for one with a "Fun For One!" crochet kit purchased for $1.00. Aliza and I hit GrooveJuice it was alright if not a little boring and stinky, but good to see a few people there. We also hit up a bar in the North Hills, hilarity ensued. Wednesday I hung with Julia again, watched "Memoirs of a Geisha." Thursday I headed over to Paul and Holly's. Paul made us a tasty stir fry and much wine was consumed. Friday I ate sushi with Craig and Meghan. Saturday I headed home on the Greyhound and John met me at the station and I readied myself for school by going out drinking a lot and watching football on Sunday.

Back to Paul and Holly and Craig and Meghan for a moment, indulge me. Although I realize that I am the age my mother got engaged at, it is still excessively bizarre for me to even fathom that people I've know for a really long time are engaged. It is one thing when you meet a person and they are dating someone and they get engaged or they are engaged when you meet them, but Paul I've know for a long time and Craig even longer. Aside from the weirdness of that though, it is excessively nice to see two guys who I have the honor of calling friends find people that make them happy. And the happy is nice too, its not that crazy ridiculous feeling that people go through when they first start dating someone, it is a deeper, more settled, more profound and complete happiness with who they are with. They both wear it well.

And finally, the new Billy Mays (creator of OxyClean, Orange Glow, Ding King, etc) commercial for "The Ball" makes me snicker every time.

hippie...

2006-09-25T14:52:00.000-04:00

Hippie
You are 42% Rational, 71% Extroverted, 42% Brutal, and 28% Arrogant.

You are the Hippie! Characterized by a strong sense of extroversion, irrationality, gentleness, humility, and a faint scent of marijuana, you no doubt frolic through fields preaching peace and free love! Immediately following that, you then frolic to the hospital with herpes! You are probably either very spiritual or needlessly paranoid about "the man", like most hippies, as a result of your focus on intuition and feelings over cold, brutal logic. You probably enjoy poetry, especially beatnik ultra-liberal crap about how horrible fascism is, even though your suburbanized, sheltered idea of "fascism" is having to pay two dollars per gallon at the gas pump. You are also very, very social. And like any hippie who would have no qualms about hitchiking across the country just to meet some interesting people, you also love to interact with others, even complete strangers. Though I highly doubt they love to interact with you! Because we know most any hippie is peace-loving and humble, it stands to reason that you, as well, are terribly gentle and humble, almost to the point of revulsion. Your carefree attitude of peace and harmony is probably very, very sickening to realists or cynics or anyone who isn't a hippie, to tell the truth. In short, your personality is defective because you are overly emotional, extroverted, gentle, and humble--thus making you an annoying hippie. Now go do your drugs and have sex with filthy bearded men in tye dye shirts.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Sociopath.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hand-Raiser, the Televangelist, and the Robot.

things I miss =

2006-09-10T23:42:00.000-04:00

Miss you guys
xoxo

the past few in review...

2006-09-08T21:58:00.000-04:00

A list because I am too lazy to write everything out.

I'm finding little red hairs all over my apartment. I'm still not used to the new color, but I love it. We'll see how the Mominator reacts.
Hanging out with old friends was a bit of a wake up call on certain behaviors I've let slide in the past. Still not sure if I did the right thing.
The Fellow moved into his new place. I swear right here and now, I meant to help with all of the moving, but one day I sacked out and the other days I was busy. I suck. The Fellow's new place, however does not suck.
Note to self, take out septum ring before going home at the end of September.
Old patterns repeat, no one is surprised.
The store is going well, sold a 900 dollar bag got a 75 cent raise (25 more than I was due.). I now have opening and closing responsibilities. Feeling satisfied about it.
In the works a SOMP 2008 logo and some sort of tri-fold presentation board.
School almost done and I can go back to having a life again, wee!
Dear Friends, I miss you. love, Clare

strange things afoot...

2006-08-25T23:12:00.000-04:00

Overal an interesting day, to say the least. I walked into work today promptly at 11:00 to discover the store was already open and a group of sort of grungy guys hanging out in the lounge area and Annie talking to the new girls that were hired about not paying attention to the cameras. I asked Annie what was going on, and she blankly looked at me and said "We're filming today, you know... the pilot?"
Nope, I did not know, although I was suddenly really glad I put on makeup and a relatively cute outfift. The crew was there for the whole day and pretty cool, but it was hard finding the zone where I wasn't totally aware of the camera in my face. They asked for dirt on Annie and Garret, I really had none, but I hoped I did a good job. They just need about 15 minutes of interesting to put together a tape and I think they got that, I know I was really self concious and awkward the whole time. There were a whole lot of weird little vingettes that they spawned for TV, like Annie and Garrett fake bickering about handbags, break dancers having a dance-off and me and the other girls being catty about this and that. Although Annie and Garrett bicker nearly daily the other things were totally out of the ordinary, but will probably make for interesting TV since reality TV is probably 15% real.
IF the show works out it would be a HUGE boost for the store, and I think that is really the only reason Annie and Garrett are really pursuing it. My fingers are crossed, if only because I am a reality TV whore and the novelty hasn't worn off yet.

Things with my fellow are going super well and I am happy. I know its still a new thing, but I am still really excited about it.

My mom and little sister are leaving tomorrow for Ecuador for a few weeks. It is really freaking me out. I just hope they are safe and they make the most of their trip, especially my little sister. I think she needs some sort of benchmark moment and I think doing missions work in a thrid world country might just be it. I'm not going to be able to have any contact with them while they are gone and I know I'll be worried sick until they touch down back in Pittsburgh.

find your bliss...

2006-08-15T23:41:00.000-04:00

Today in one of my classes, my professor expressed the importance of finding out what makes you happy, grabbing onto it and following it with all your heart. Knowing what is important to you and what you enjoy doing and following that bliss and success will come to you. It is a concept I had heard before, but for some reason today it resonated with me on a deeper level than I had let it before. Maybe because for some reason, now it seems like finding my bliss is a much more tangible option. I'm close to finishing up school, I have a job I like, I'm surrounded by a wonderful community of friends and I have a loving and supportive family.

At the same time though, I can't seem to get past all the little stumbling blocks that keep me firmly entrenched in adolescence. The fact that I have a mental list of "People Who's Existence Annoy Me to a Level that I require Ranting About Them and We Don't Even Live in the Same City And I Probably Really Don't Know Them Except for the Internet" is assuredly a sign of this. I waffle back and fourth on these stupid little things a lot. On one hand I know I am egotistical enough to think that what I think about these people really matters and on the other hand I fully realize the immaturity of it all right down the vaguely clever remarks I quip about people on the list. I think I just *heart* petty, stupid drama for the same reasons people watch soap operas, the entertainment value. Except what makes this different is that these are real people, with real feelings and not scripted characters. I need to remember that.

As to the rest of my life, it's been some ups and some downs with players past and present. Funny how people show up again when you are least ready for it and funny how some disappear when you really wish they wouldn't.

feel the love, the drunken love

2006-08-05T05:53:00.000-04:00

Few things make you feel better than this:

(05:44:38) kate: clare - i lvoe you j
(05:44:43) clare: i love you too!
(05:44:53) kate: you're eth aweeeeeeeeeesome
(05:45:09) clare: no, you're teh awesome!
(05:46:47) kate: nno you are
(05:47:20) kate: i are teh mizzing i
(05:47:20) clare: no! you!
(05:47:21) kate: u
(05:47:24) kate: nu-uh!
(05:49:16) kate: ive got the dunrjk hiccips

I are teh mizzing you too, HLM

nostalgia...

2006-07-26T17:11:00.000-04:00

awww. pgh. w00t.

real quick... i'll prolly edit this laterz...

2006-07-24T15:43:00.000-04:00

I tried finding a picture of me and Kate with our septum rings in full glory, however I couldn't find one so you'll all have to settle for this old school ultra cutesy one.

I stretched up my piercing today, not much just one gauge thicker and though it doesn't hurt a lot it is nice to have a bit of pain there. The new retainer feels clunky in my nose and that with the pain is a nice reminder of the promises made with the piercing and a connection to the past. It is almost a year later and funny how little the time seems until I sit back and take stock of what has actually taken place. Kate's taken off across the country, I've gotten back in school and she and I are miles more the wiser.

I miss my HLM, but here's to the future and never forgetting the past.

the future of the pharmacology industry rests in his hands...

2006-07-20T22:09:00.000-04:00

Normally, I can't say I'm one to raise a big old stink in a public place, but when the reputation of someone whom I consider a very close friend is called into question, I can't keep quiet. While he doesn't need a single person to defend him, I had to say my piece. Alan, if anything is one of the most polite and respectable people I know, and though this is besides the point, a damn fine dancer. Without even having to hear his side of the story I know the offended party is blowing everything entirely out of proportion. I hope this drama blows over as soon as possible for a litany of reasons but mostly because it is so beyond the grasp of reality.

turn, turn, turn...

2006-07-20T00:21:00.000-04:00

It is interesting to take notice of who cycles in and out of your life on some regular basis. One year later I can't say I'm surprised by the contact and it is a tired routine and a dance I want to end. Rigmarole and bullshit, I'm sick of the routine. I cut my ties, can't you cut yours?

Predictable as always.

--------------------------

On the other hand, I heard from a dear old friend of mine, with whom I have not spoken with in some time. His voice forces a connection to a time when things were simpler, easier and a dream of a tropical island seemed tangible.

Chuck Taylors, hawaiian shirts, Parliament Funkadelic in the park and crickets chirping, all things worth missing.

yeah so, i still exist...

2006-07-11T17:06:00.000-04:00

Well, well, well been a long time since I have updated blah blah blah. In the interest of not loosing track of this blog all together I'll give a listed update.

I love love love not working for Starbucks anymore. I love my new job and the store was doing really well. Unfortunately a fire in a store nearby that we share duct and electrical work with caused a boat load of damage to the store and slowly they are replacing what needs to be replaced and cleaning the clothes etc.
Went home to Pittsburgh a few weekends ago for a wedding of a childhood friend. It was a beautiful and lovely ceremony. She looked stunning and I wish the newlyweds all the best and I say this without the usual Clare sarcasm, I am really happy and excited for them!
While I was home I went to a few PBnJ dances. Sad is all I can say about the state of the dancing in Pittsburgh. Even my little sister who knows none of the drama and nothing about blues noticed the low level of the dancing she saw there. I feel like almost all of their problems could be solved if they focused less on getting laid and more on connection and musicality.
the Scene... I could write a book. I won't do it here, but I will say that I am tired of seeing people older than I am acting like they are in some R rated teen drama about sex and high school hijinks.
Sandy Faghena - been beaten to death but I'll say... 'twas a prank and an inane harmless one at that... We fooled you, get over it. Granted Sandy did get into some malicious fun, but it wasn't at the expense of any of the members of pghdance
love life is on track and doing well
4th of July - spent it on a rooftop in downtown DC... Was kickass and a memorable 4th. Marion Barry made a cameo appearance. Hilarity.

PLL...

2006-06-06T09:46:00.000-04:00

PLL

Endless scout for cute guys while stuck in the traffic and the rain
Don't get lost in New Jersey
Dave's misplaced car
"Dave, why is there a hole... er a lot of holes, in your walls and why don't you have any doors?
4 in the back, one in the trunk
CVS gift pack
Jello Shots
Energy?
Get Your Own Box
Crotch Sweet
Shot Mistress Deely
Welcome Shots
Make-out Corner
Canoodling
"Why are 5 girls in the bathroom together?"
"I thought you guys had like 90 Jello shots, why are there only 10 left? The party just started"
Zombie Sleep of Death
"How did I get on the couch?"
Brunch at Rx
"THAT is your move"
The Naughty Librarian
creepy old lady crush
"And that is why I'm not getting into the hot tub"
"No starting gang wars, Clare!"
"Julie, you've been good, you may start one gang war."
"I'm taking window privledges away from you."
ride home

DCLX...

2006-04-10T23:53:00.000-04:00

So, DCLX was awesome as expected. I had a fabulous time hanging out with friends old and new. I missed my hetero life mate considerably and I can only surmise by the sheer amount of people that came up to me to ask where she was that a lot of other people felt the same way. I did my best to keep her in the loop for the weekend. Calling her at key points of the weekend like when I lost my BSV for 2006 (I have never done a body shot of Dave ever, this year, this month, this week... today??). At the Friday late night BMJB played "Sister Kate" and I wanted to cry when I heard it, however I danced instead. I was happy to learn later, that Gail called Kate and played it for her over the phone.

But aside from missing my other half it was a spectacular event. I still can't get over how amazing the music was this weekend. The BMJB were as close to perfection as possible. I grew up dancing to them and their music alone is a major reason why I still love dancing. Their zeal for the music is so outstanding and inspiring that they have set the standard for me for live music. Friday late night and Saturday with the George Gee Orchestra was unfreakingbelievable. I haven't heard GGO before but now I will make it a priority. The energy those two bands produced was inspiring. If people had started to fly, I don't think I would have been too surprised. Campus 5 on Friday were also superb. I think I might have freaked some people out by how insaneosuperhappyandhyper(andsortofdrunk) that I was the whole weekend, but really awesome music does that to me, I digress.

I don't think I danced as much as I should have, but I had some outstanding dances and the pain in my back proves how out of practice I am. But yay for dances with people who make me feel like someday I could be really really really good at it.

bessa...

2006-03-29T00:52:00.000-05:00

The more I sit around and not do anything the more I am acutely aware it does not serve me well. My brain is entirely too overactive. I've been rolling around a number of things in my brain none of which are benefiting from the extensive over thinking I am subjecting them to. The more I think about and redefine what will make me happy the more noticeable the holes are in the blueprint that defines my happiness. I feel like I am caught up in this tumultuous place in between holes where I start thinking "well, if hole A was filled then maybe hole B wouldn't be a problem." I know that I can not get caught up in insecurity, I have to shift my mindset to "With work hole A will take care of itself and so will hole B." There are choices I have to make that are going to be difficult but in the end I think they will be what is best for me and keeping that mantra in mind will be important in the coming weeks.

I never want to be happy with settling. I never want to be stagnant. I want to be ever evolving.

anything...

2006-03-23T13:42:00.000-05:00

I've enjoyed the past few days of doing nothing, though I think it speaks to how busy I've been that I can't sleep past 8:00AM and I've become increasingly bored as the week has progressed. While I don't regret quitting my job, I do miss certain aspects of it. Customer service can be a thankless task at times, however, I don't mind it. One life lesson my parents drilled into my head at a young age is that in more cases than not, graciousness will serve you far better than almost anything else. This adage holds true even at Starbucks, if only to get your latte faster.

But now it is on to the next big adventure which includes a through cleaning of my apartment, a new job and a new focus on those few nagging tasks I need to take care of in order to get my life back to a point where I can be ok with it again.

there is probably a Bright Eyes lyric that would make a good title for this entry...

2006-02-24T00:24:00.000-05:00

Some of you guys have been asking to see some stuff I've been making/drawing/spending time doing for the past month, so here you go...

perspective study. sad robots rule. Graphite on paper 18"x24"

perspective study. a quick sketch in graphite on paper 8.5"x11"

perspective studies. graphite on paper 8.5"x11"

sketch done in 15 minutes. Graphite on paper 8.5"x11"

illustrator rendition of photo from DJ

a quickr pickr post

so to update...

2006-01-30T23:35:00.000-05:00

I've had a really busy few weeks. Stressful, busy weeks. After Crapital Blues life just sort of took off full speed ahead and jumping back into school, while a blessing in many cases has been a harsh reality check regarding the atrophy of my brain. Though with that being said, I've never been one for formal education and I've had to seriously evaluate my ability to force myself to conform into a system that I'd really rather not be bothered with or felt that comfortable in. It is what will be best for me in the end and I'll have to perpetually remind myself that it is just an means to an end.
... And I am eternally grateful for friends that take me out to remind me every once and a while what a good time is.

Kate will be moving soon to California and while I am incredibly happy for her and I think it will be amazing yadda yadda yadda, it bums me out to no end. It's somewhat irrational how sad this is making me considering we haven't lived in the same city for over 5 years, but knowing she will not be within driving distance and that I will have to factor in a time zone difference makes it feel so much further away. I know I'll go visit, but it just seems so so so far. Thinking about it tonight I just became so overwhelmed that I broke down and began to cry. I know I am being irrational and selfish, but Kate is someone whom I value and admire as a person and a friend very much and I will miss her a great deal. Meh! I miss her already and she isn't even gone!

Julia's grandmother passed away recently and while I had not the pleasure of her company for the past year or so, she was an awesome person whose quick wit and huge heart will certainly be missed. Spending time with her, it was easy to see where Julia gets her grace, unending compassion and spirit. I wish I could have been at her funeral to pay my respects and be with Julia, unfortunately school did not permit.

In other news, I think my time at "The Fox" will be over soon. All of my favorite people are leaving the store and there really isn't any motivation (aside from free coffee of course) to want to stay except my overwhelming sense of duty and work ethic. I just feel bad bailing knowing the mess they are in. Plus I need the money, like woah.

To end on a funnier note: Tonight after getting off the metro and waiting for my bus in downtown DC around 10:30PM or so I was approached by a man who kept screaming at the top of his lungs that I was the person who killed his sister. Aside from scaring the shit out of me, he was also peeing and expelling some shit of his own nearby. The Po showed up soon after and for the most part the commotion died down and by that I mean the crazy left. And as the last strains of "THAT BITCH KILLED MY SISTER!" faded into the night air a herd of Spanish speaking midgets trundled past me. Yes, you read that right, a herd. Only in DC.

crotch lead...

2006-01-12T01:05:00.000-05:00

Capital Blues has come and gone and again I'm left with the same taste of gross left in my mouth about blues themed events. I can't fault the organizers of this event for their impeccable choice in teachers or music, though I wouldn't qualify Barbra Morrison as blues she was simply amazing. My discontent lies with the behavior that has come to be standard fare at these events. Being from a scene where the dancing has a very distinct sexual undertone, I feel somewhat hypocritical judging others for similar behavior, however; you can't argue that at least the Pittsburghers have style. I would have been happy to at least see the same level of style or musicality present in the endless barrage of crotch leads and beaver clamps I witnessed this weekend, though simply put, I was not so lucky.

I mean, seriously, "micro blues" (what a retarded exercise in semantics) to Barbra Morrison? To a song over 170 beats per minute? What is the point? If I am recalling what Charlie and Heidi teach correctly, that isn't part of their curriculum. I also find the whole concept somewhat contradictory to the exuberance of blues music in addition to finding it somewhat limiting. It has its time and place, none of which are in a brightly lit, vastly open and very crowded ballroom. I know several teachers are out to change how blues dancing is approached and I commend them for it, though I can't help but feel it is an uphill battle. As long as people feel it is acceptable, they will still probably rub their crotch on you.
--------------------------

In other much more personal news...

My motto has become: repair, rebuild, reflect. At the end of the day my life isn't over and I'm happy enough, though still rather disappointed in the turn of events. All I can do is trust in honesty, accept the truth as I know it and look forward to what is waiting in store.

[insert more nebulous rambling about it here...]

snippets...

2006-01-03T20:45:00.000-05:00

"I walked a mile with pleasure;

she chatted all the way,

but she left me none the wiser for all she had to say.

I walked a mile with sorrow,

and not one word said she,

but oh the things I learned that day,

when sorrow walked with me."

(not sure who authored the above, but my money is on Dickinson)

I swear, my mother is more emo than me. She sent me that verse tonight in an email and told me that it made her think of me. Not sure what that means, other than she thinks I am a depressed lunatic who likes to walk. Which I suppose at this point isn't too far off from the truth.

She actually told me that she hoped it would cause me to be reflective. Little does she know all I do is reflect, reflect, reflect...

Also my father passed on this snippet or "truism" as he likes to call them:

"If you wait until 'the perfect time' comes along, you'll be waiting forever. No time is ever going to be a good time for a relationship, but having the other person in your life is usually more important than that."

Well, gee. Thanks Dad, I needed that... ugh. I agree with him completely; however, it isn't up to me and I can certainly sympathize with the other half of this situation as well.

Oh well, c'est la vie.

i'm bad at the internet...

2005-12-31T10:08:00.000-05:00

I was writing this really awesome post about my big adventures while home, but my computer ate it. Le sigh.

I don't feel like retyping it all out, but I will leave you with a few key points from my Tuesday and Thursday night adventures:

When you are with Kate, things happen to you that would never happen on your own or with another friend.
I think my septum ring is a creep magnet.
Canadians will offer you a ride in their limo and lots of free booze if they perceive that group sex with you and two of your friends is in their future.
Despite holding out for group sex, said Canadians are usually gentlemen and can rid you of a creep quite effectively by telling everyone that you are their little sister (though most likely their hand will also be on your ass)
The Blue Note is the best gosh darn bar in the entire world.
Matrix = fake tans, tacky clothing, too much hair gel, bad cologne and old people???
Double fisting to take advantage of the drink special only seems like a good idea at the time.
Two Cape Cods, two rum and cokes, two shots of tequila and one redheaded slut within two hours span is entirely too much.
Trying to hold on to your dignity by explaining that you choose to throw up instead of involuntarily barfing does not work.
While barfing, mourning the loss of the cheese fries you just ate is never a good sign.
At two in the morning, Steak and Shake is the best thing ever.
Thank God Kate only has one birthday a year.
I heart Aliza.

I'm so terrible at blogging although 99.9% of the time I have nothing interesting to write about, so the care factor is low. Here is to 2006, I am really looking forward to the new year and hope spring eternal that this will be a great year.

excerpts...

2005-12-05T23:38:00.000-05:00

Invisible Monsters, by Chuck Palahniuk

"Princess Princess," she yells after me, "It's not that I really want to be a woman." She yells, "Wait up!" Brandy yells, "I'm only doing this because it's just the biggest mistake I can think to make. It's stupid and destructive, and anybody you ask will tell you I'm wrong. That's why I have to go through with it."

Brandy says, "Don't you see? Because we're so trained to do life the right way. To not make mistakes." Brandy says, "I figure, the bigger the mistake looks, the better chance I'll have to break out and live a real life."

Like Christopher Columbus sailing toward disaster at the edge of the world.

Like Fleming and his bread mold.

"Our real discoveries come from chaos," Brandy yells, "from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish."

...

"But me," Brandy says, still in the bathroom doorway, still looking at her chipped nail polish, "I'm making the same mistake only so much worse, the pain, the money, the time, and being dumped by my old friends, and in the end my whole body is my story."

A sexual reassignment surgery is a miracle for some people, but if you don't want one, it's the ultimate form of self-mutilation.

She says, "Not that it's bad being a woman. This might be wonderful, if I wanted to be a woman. The point is," Brandy says, "being a woman is the last thing I want. It's just the biggest mistake I could think to make."

So it's the path to the greatest discovery.

It's because we're so trapped in our culture, in the being of being human on this planet with the brains we have, and the same two arms and two legs everybody has. We're so trapped that any way we could imagine to escape would bu just another part of the trap. Anything we want, we're trained to want.

...

She says, "You have to jump into disaster with both feet."

She throws the broken heels into the bathroom trash.

"I'm not straight, and I'm not gay." she says. "I'm not bisexual. I want out of the labels. I don't want my whole life crammed into a single word. A story. I want to find something else, unknowable, some place to be that's not on the map. A real adventure.

A sphinx. A mystery. A blank. Unknown. Undefined. Unknowable. Indefinable. Those were all the words Brandy used to describe me in my veils. Not just a story that goes and then, and then, and then, and then, until you die.

thanksgiving...

2005-11-27T19:51:00.000-05:00

Gawd, my last post was so emo I want to punch myself in the face. My apologies to all who read it. In a brief update: Rachel is still paying the fine and the situation with my mother is resolving. After a year off, returning to AU is most likely what I'll do. The melodrama of that post is so irritating, ugh. No more, I promise!

Thanksgiving will always be my favorite holiday ever. There are so many things to love like, mashed potatoes, my Thanksgiving family, the Backyard Brawl, being home, trips to the Blue Note and hanging out with friends and family that I haven't seen in far too long.

I have no interesting stories to tell (do I ever though?) about break, but I had a wonderful time but I am happy to be back in DC.

doldrums...

2005-11-15T01:26:00.000-05:00

I've been really stressed out recently, and not really in a place where I feel like I can effectively communicate well with anyone. This is evidenced by the phone conversation with my mother where I told her that I hate it at AU, I want to drop out and I want to start over somewhere new. Which is true, and I needed to tell her that, but the conversation (if it can even be called that) did not go well and a lot of nastiness was thrown from both sides. I know my mother and I know that she wants the best for me; however, it is a struggle to balance her views with the reality of my situation.

I also got into a fight with my little sister today over this situation she's been dealing with since Friday. She recently signed a citation and agreed to pay a fine for an act she didn't commit and was talked into and happy to sign. I don't understand how she feels and I guess it isn't my place to feel any certain way about it but I don't think she should take all of this crap lying down. The person on the other end of all of this shit is a total bitch who I'd like to punch in the face if given the opportunity.

Work also sucks, but thats another entry for another day. Even writing here is a trial, I just feel so ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh. I don't know. ugh.

online testeroo...

2005-11-08T23:22:00.000-05:00

PittStop V...

2005-11-08T19:57:00.000-05:00

I was SO amped for PittStop this year, which is something I haven't felt since I think the second PittStop. I was really pleasantly surprised by the new life the committee was able to breathe into the event and how smoothly the event ran overall. The hard work that they all put in months prior to the event really showed and it was a wonderful time. The t-shirts were still awful, but I digress.

Here is the rundown:

Friday: 2:30PM I meet Hyong, Jess and Laura and we begin the journey. After an uneventful stop in Breezewood we arrive at the house where we were supposed to stay. To say it was the creepiest house I have ever been in is not an exaggeration. Hyperbole isn't necessary to convey how horrific this house was. If a dead body fell out of one of the many hall closets, I wouldn't have been surprised. What really convinced me that I could NOT stay at this house was the "shower" which literally, was a bathtub with a hose attached.

After leaving the house we head to the dance. I manage to forget that Pittsburgh is notorious for 1/2 streets that don't connect through so we arrived at the dance only slightly delayed. On our way there I see Darcy going into the venue. I think I literally squealed and yelled "DARCY!" while also telling Hyong to take the next left. I haven't seen Darcy in ages, turns out she is in Denver now, possibly heading to California for grad school. We get to the dance I have to bum a dollar to get in. Little did I know this would be a recurring theme throughout the weekend as my bank mysteriously decided to freeze my account.

I get inside and the first person I see is Gail. Words can not express how happy this makes me. I adore Gail, she really is one of the most awesome people I know and to be half as awesome as her would be an accomplishment. She points me in the direction of Kate. I ran over and I think I might have spear tackled her out of excitement. You know you are in for a Katetastic weekend when literally the first thing she does after she tells you hello is hand you a Nalgene full of WTF and tells you to take a swig. When the sticky sweet tang of what you know will eventually turn into the worst hangover of your life fades from your mouth you are left with the most pleasant warm feeling all over. With her are Disco, Darcy a group of Canuks and Brian. She introduces me around and I get set to dance. The band was ok, kind of stoic a little boring but good. I was more interested in looking for my friends who were slowly arriving.

After a detour to the Blue Note (which still retains the title of my favorite bar ever) it was on to the late night dance. Afterthought provided the music for the dance and for being thrown together annually for PittStop, Afterthought are surprisingly good, though I was too exhausted to really dance. Thankfully Brian offered to host Kate and I after explained the housing situation we were facing. So after a long long long night of dancing we crashed at his place.

Saturday: Brian made Kate and I waffles which earned him the title of best host ever in my book and then it was onto the Saturday afternoon dance at the IBEW. Kate taught Brian a swing out and I got in a good dance with Asian Alan. At the end of his set Falty played a kick ass version of Black and Tan Fantasy, it is my new mission to hunt it down. After the dance I had planned on meeting up with my little sister, however since my funds were frozen I wasn't able to.

We had made plans to dine at Pasta Too in Bethel park with Disco, Gail, two of Disco's friends and Neil. After gorging myself on fried dough and wedding soup I wasn't able to touch my meal, regardless it was a great time. Kate and I sent Brian and Neil on a mission to buy tequila before the dance. The Saturday Night dance was nothing short of AMAZING, made possible by the addition of Aliza and the soundtrack provided by the Boilermakers. I blame the BMJB for my unreasonably high standards for bands at dance events, and they really outdid themselves for PittStop. FanFUCKINGtastic. It makes me so happy to see them gain more and more popularity thought the national scene, because they deserve all the recognition they get . I have yet to see any other band put more heart and more energy into every show.

I hop into Aliza's car and after a stop for smokes and a call to Damien, we head into the late night. The Solomon Douglas Trio was a perfect fit for late night. I was tired but I had a great time socializing and listening to the music. There was a blues room, but I gave up on it after realizing that I can't blues for crap with Kate when sober and more importantly there wasn't really anyone aside from Kate (and maybe 2 other leads) that I really wanted to dance with. Aliza and I said our goodbyes as she had to leave to go write a paper. I was so happy she came, I heart Aliza. Shortly after Darcy said her goodbyes and bowed out.

We knew after the dance that there needed to be a party. The question was where. After some venue juggling a place was found. Honestly, I was shocked this woman offered to host the party. I don't think she knew what she was getting into. Kate and I head to the kitchen. Set up the liquor. Others arrive, time for body shots. After letting Kate take my body shot virginity (I know, I know, I know it seems impossible I've been in Pittsburgh for so long without having done one, but it's true.) Kate becomes the shot master, she tells everyone who to lick and where and what to drink. This leads to pretty much everyone getting pretty toasted, pretty quickly. The hostess came in on several occasions to tell us to use our inside voices. There was a small amount of dancing that took place, but nothing will ever rival Jacki's after hours. It was pretty tame all things considered. I spent the evening (or early morning) punching people. It was a quality belligerent state I was in.

Sunday: After about 2 hours the hostess kicks us outside and Sierradave, Brian, Kate and I are sitting outside on her stoop, sobering up enough to drive back to Brian's to crash this went on for about 2 hours. I had the honor of driving. Thankfully, none of us died. We had planned to crash for an hour before meeting Disco and Gail for brunch. This did not happen. Slept until about 2:00PM and then went to the Sunday afternoon dance at Sanctuary. Left from there and arrived back at the old Idaho Ave. homestead around 9:30PM

It was a wonderful weekend all said and told. I miss everyone a whole lot already and I can't wait for the next round of Pittsburgh style carnage. Pictures will be forthcoming in a later post.

halloween...

2005-10-31T03:59:00.000-05:00

After celebrating my first real Halloween in years I felt it was time for a proper update. The picture to my left is one of my favorites from the night and I'd like to call it "drunk at 1:00AM" This is of course before I threw the jack-o-lantern off the balcony in a whiskey fueled rage. What my rage was about, I am not so certain...

I'm finding it increasingly harder to blog about my life when I am happy. Perhaps an overhaul of my blogging habits needs to occur. It is fairly safe to say that if I am not posting, I am happy and that I don't need the catharsis that this format offers as much.

But about that happiness: Things with Damien are going really well. So well in fact, that I think I have to turn in my emo club card. I've held on to it for a good five years and I think now is the time to move on to the world of being a grown up and approach relationships in a manner accordingly. We'll see how this goes... One of the things that I admire about Damien so much is that he doesn't play games and is not about creating and perpetuating drama. He has his issues, like we all do, but at no point in the past three months has he projected his problems on me. Overall he is genuine and I appreciate that more than I'll ever be able to adequately express in words.

Other general housekeeping updates:

I'll be home in Pittsburgh from Nov. 4-6th, if you want to get together, please feel free to call, especially if you want to go to Gullifty's.
I can not wait to tear it up at Pittstop. Get the WTF ready!
If my hair appears much darker to you, that is because it is. Lauren did the best job ever. I am still SO in love with it.

woah is me...

2005-10-26T01:14:00.000-04:00

cross posted:

Dudes and Dudettes,

Most of you know of my upcoming road trip across the country to San Diego with Kate. I figure (ok well, mapquest figures) that we will be in the car for about 36 hours and what better way to spend the time than watching the landscape of the country unfold outside the window, planning side adventures and listening to quality music.

Here is where you come in. I mean sure, my collection of music is pretty much the best ever, but I would LOVE it if you would send me some suggestions of your favorite music for road trips and I would love it even more if you would send me a mix! (message me for my contact information)

It would be awesome!
Love,
Clare

70 x 7

2005-10-18T02:58:00.000-04:00

It just irritates me and I don't know why I bother to continue to let it. It is obvious to me that you have a skewed view on what happened and why and while that irritates me what irritates me more is that you have some how convinced yourself that it is the truth and that you have done no wrong when that isn't really how things played out. And furthermore the truths you convince yourself of you did so for the express purpose of hurting me.

You can not say that "I played you like every other worthless relationship I've ever had that have all ended the same." I can honestly say, that NONE of my relationships have ended the way ours did. Perhaps you would like to confer with the four people I dated before you but I don't think any of them would say that they deliberately started hanging out with people for the express purpose of making me jealous and then playing us off each other for their own amusement all while cheating on me emotionally and physically and accusing me of horrible acts and begging me for sex. Nope, you are a whole new kind of asshole in my life, congratulations. Oh, and yeah... I'm SUCH a player, clearly you know me SO well. Who played who here? Were I playing a game, I don't think it would have ended with my boyfriend doing all the aforementioned. Spencer for all of his faults broke up with me in the way that he thought would be best for me.

And you let your car break down? How does that work exactly? You did lose your job after that 20 days (21 actually, but who's counting) but if you recall, that happened because you DID NOT CALL THEM until it was way way way too late to do anything about it, despite the fact that I asked you several times because I was worried excessively about it and you acted like you couldn't have cared less. If you also recall I also lost out on that one, but no, I don't blame you for causing me to drop out of school, I don't blame you for anything so fuck you and fuck your scapegoat theory. And as for you line about getting shit for my parents, they sent you an email where they expressed a small measure of uneasiness at our cohabitation for 21 days. Yeah they dumped on you SOO much when they told me that they thought highly of you and that they liked you and when they invited you over for dinner. Also I wasn't aware that my offers to pay for your gas and your food while you were visiting was such a hassle for you that you needed to bitch about your visits to DC.

All of this woe is me bullshit, it just re-enforces your selfish nature. It's glaringly obvious that you are unable to see beyond yourself. What you call selflessness on behalf of Nicole is really you selfishly holding on to possibility. The easy way out is to continue to scrape by doing what you are doing. The hard way out is to try and advance your situation by the means you have at your disposal. If you are not looking for something better and if you are not trying to advance your marketability within the job force you are not doing the hard thing. From time to time we all need to be a little selfish, there is nothing wrong with that, but when you fail to see beyond yourself at all, you fail to be able to really love, because love requires more than just superficial sacrifices. And placing everything you have emotionally into a relationship because it is the only thing you have going for you is selfish too. That is a lesson I learned long before you came around. Remember when Noni told you that the "other half" theory was bullshit and that you needed to look for another whole? She had it right.

I don't even have to wonder if this will make you upset or not. I know that the answer will be yes, but you should figure out what makes you more upset, that I bothered to contact you at all about this or that there is some measure of truth to what I am saying.

from the old blog...

2005-10-13T01:02:00.000-04:00

This is an entry from my old blog that I wrote over the summer shortly after my 22nd birthday. I really like it, despite the fact that it is abundantly clear I was not in a good place when I wrote it. It is the truth although stretched some extent, I suppose the catharsis was in writing everything down, even the exaggerated thoughts. At this point I'd only add: hope springs eternal, and thank the good Lord I am no longer in that place.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I look at my forearm. I see my skin, marked with the flaws and scars of a life lived. I can explain most of them away through lies about accidents or clumsiness, but the truth is that even the most innocent scars are self inflicted.

My two most prominent scars are marks from the steering wheel of my old car. The official explanation is that I was trying to change lanes and I didn't see that traffic had stopped in front of me. I drove into another car going over 45 miles per hour. I remember looking ahead at the last second and seeing the rear of the car in front of me approaching quickly. I meant to hit the brakes, but instead I accelerated into the mini-van. I don't know why I did this, I know where the break is and I don't think that I could have missed it on accident. I've read that people view pain as a healing agent and a purifier and I find some truth in that. Did I seek out my salvation in the back of a mint green Chrysler Town & Country? Did I want that pain?

I wanted the pain last week when I stood in the Rocky mountains, well over 12,000 feet in the air. I asked my family to leave me there for a few hours. I laid on the ground feeling the rocks irritate my back, I let my nose crack and bleed, I let the sun blister my skin and I let the thinness of the air make me sick and cold. I never felt the blood flowing in my veins more acutely. I never felt my head so clear. I never was more aware of myself. When I reunited with my family, I could read the uneasiness in their faces and I don't blame them, my blood soaked shirt and scrapped exterior couldn't have been easy for them to understand. What was probably harder for them to understand was the smile on my face.

I thought a lot while I was laying up there, mostly my failures at love and the most startling self actualization that like the pain I was seeking out, the salvation and distraction that love offers is fleeting and unsatisfying. Or at least it can be, because the reality of loving someone is that it is conditional. I thought back to my days when I was a much more spiritual person than I am now. I used to seek my salvation in Jesus and despite understanding that he was sent for that purpose, I don't know anymore if I can believe in it. God tells us that his love is unconditional, but my experiences with love tell me that it has to be otherwise. This grappling with my faith is difficult. I see it come easily to my parents and I almost resent them for it. Perhaps, seeking out God's love for yourself allows you to love someone else a lot easier?

I wonder it all comes down to some Henry David Thoreau bullshit about self-reliance. How ultimately your salvation has to come from yourself? And what you make of your short time on earth is living in your wilderness and forging your own path? Though I can't believe in the gospel of Thoreau either, since Walden Pond was a stone's throw away from his mother's home where he dined each night and collected his mail.

Despite my own quandaries about salvation the scars remain constants for everyone. Whether we inject ink or shove metal through them or like myself, inflict our own, they are marks that indicate that we aren't happy with who we think we are. I'm learning rapidly though that marking your skin is as empty a change as switching socks and what worries me most is the marks that I've made on the inside of myself that I can't change.

SOMP...

2005-10-11T01:35:00.000-04:00

This past weekend, at the behest of my parents I road-tripped into the wilds of semi-rural Virgina (with Damien) to join my parents and several of their friends at their annual Fall reunion. (The event attended was the SOMP Fall Golf Classic in which my father disappointingly took second place.) As a child these reunions used to always be boring or awkward for me and my siblings as we were forced to take a back seat to our parent's past lives. What I failed to realize, was the significance in between the in-jokes and the teasing and the warm smiles. The significance is that the shared history between my father and the other men in the group extends throughout the entirety of their lives. They were all born within the same week in March, in the same town, 52 years ago. Their history extends back to painting old lady Chapman's garage with stolen paint, playing stick ball in the alleyways, graduation, marriages, children, deaths of parents and marriages of their children. Most of the women in this group are from the same town or like my mother moved their during high school. After these weekends my parents always seem so much happier. I think it is because they get to touch base with people who really know who they are, who know where they have come from and where they are going.

This year was somewhat bittersweet for me. It brought into sharp relief the people who have come and gone in my life. I suppose this isn't the time or place to muse over blame or wonder what could have been or what memories could have been made but I ruminate over these things too much, I think. In some cases the break up of the friendship was probably for the best, but there are others I don't think I'll ever have a clear view on. Example:

There was a girl I went to elementary school with. We were in the same Girl Scout troop we were close through high school (despite a few events in her life that at the time I wasn't really prepared to deal with let alone offer her solace) We learned how to dance together. We were on the rowing team together. We leave in different directions for collage and communication between us was sparse but when back home we spent a lot of time together. Over time we gradually drifted apart. Communication became more sparse. I went home for the fourth of July weekend; coming out of a nasty cycle of self loathing brought on by a recent break up and I ran into her. She bounds up to me, I just wanted to leave. I was miserable and it had nothing to do with her. I read in her livejournal the following week her accounts of the fourth of July and all about her encounter with me, her "friend," the "bitch." I think I left a comment. I don't remember what it said, but I am sure I didn't apologize for acting coldly. I do know I am too proud when confronted to do that. I was hoping for an apology from her but one never came and again, my pride seems to be standing in my way. I've seen her a few times since then and it has always been awkward. I choose to ignore every thing about the situation, probably not the most mature move, but I also don't know what to say. The unresolved nature of the whole ordeal is what upsets me the most, though I do miss her friendship. It was also painfully clear that we approached life in drastically different ways and our lack of communications since high school make painfully apparent that we aren't that close anymore. Was it for the best, was it not? Who knows?

I do know that the people I have in my life are wonderful dear people whom I cherish and I can only hope that in 30 years we're all sitting around sharing and creating joy together. I hate feeling so far removed from them in DC and I miss each of them more and more daily...

the great adventure...

2005-10-03T22:43:00.000-04:00

I have the worst luck with New Year's Eve plans. As a holiday it has always been the biggest let down. Greatness is planned and mediocrity is the reality. Never fear for the start of 2006! This year will either be the greatest adventure of all time or I'll end up dead.

The Plan: Kate needs to move to her next nursing assignment which starts in early January in sunny San Diego. We will take off from Pittsburgh at some point after Christmas, hit the open road and spend a few days driving to California where the Rhythmic Arts Festival is taking place around and over New Year's Eve. I don't know who we are going to stay with or how long it is going to take or if we'll die or not, but I do know that it will be spectacular.

It should be fun to go to a big dance event. I haven't been to one in what seems like forever. I have soured on the scene somewhat so hopefully this will be a breath of fresh air and quite frankly even if it sucks (which I doubt) I'll get to see the Pacific Ocean and I can not complain about that.

My one regret about this trip is that even though we are headed out west we won't be able to make a stop in Fort Collins, CO to visit my favorite relatives, but alas it is very out of the way. This trip will however, expand my list of states visited and give me stories to tell the grandkids etc.

work rant...

2005-09-29T03:26:00.000-04:00

I expect a certain level of stress while at work. It's hectic work, not life altering or anything mind you, but it does impact your mental condition to some extent. I am sick to death, however; of leaving work stressed out. I hate sitting at home wondering when my manager will sporadically change my schedule to suit his needs or when I'll be fired for telling my boss exactly where to stick his bullshit. I would just like to be able to leave the stress at work, and I don't think that is too much to ask. I like my job, (as much as you can like a shithole part time job) but I hate the high levels of bullshit that I have to deal with on a daily basis. If it isn't a condescending and difficult customer, it's my shift supervisors consistently all over my workspace with constant critiques or it it's a ridiculously difficult customer.

I don't think any of my stresses or stressors are really that unusual. rather I think my feelings are somewhat universal which begs me to ask the question "if everyone I work with feels this way too, why is it that everyone is such a bastard to everyone else?" I think that at best we should all recognize the commonality in our personal strifes at work, but the reality is the worst, where we are all nasty to each other.

holes...

2005-09-26T17:55:00.000-04:00

I finally got my septum re-pierced last week. This time I think it might still be a little off, but I am not sure if it looks off because it was again pierced at an angle or it looks off because the retainer isn't symmetrical. If I were to ever change the jewelery I think it would hang straight and that is all that really matters to me at this point. Regardless, I doubt I'll be going back to the same shop for more work in the future. I wasn't that impressed. Both piercers I talked to were pretty standoffish and I could have done without the condescension.

What I missed most about this sojourn was that Kate wasn't there to share the experience with me again. It was such an experience the first time and without her I almost chickened out. However I am glad I went through with it again. It feels a lot better this time even though it bled considerably more. I am happy to have it back and I forgot how much I missed it.

I will be updating more throughout the week, lots to catch up on.

the switch...

2005-09-26T17:27:00.000-04:00

After deciding that blogger is a better fit for my online journaling needs, I've made the jump over. You can read my archives here.