this is like so gay, but ...

i'm sorry...

i've been spending the last few weeks of my life feeling like i am too old, or too stupid or too fat to really ever amount to anything accomplished and it's incredibly frustrating.
I'd love to be in a place where I finally felt secure in all aspects of my life instead of just a few. And I'd love feeling like some people gave a shit about me when they were not single or actively trying to not be. Dudes are such fair weather friends.
I'm tired of putting my self on the line for people who don't bother to return a phone call.
I'm tired of subsisting in a life/relationship where I don't feel physically valued or attractive.
I'm tired of feeling invested in people, things, degrees and jobs only to feel disappointed in the end.
I'm tired of all the bullshit.
I'm tired of trying to live up to the image of what my parents want me to be.
I'm tired of apologizing for being a fuck up.
I'm sorry I'll never be what you want me to be.
I'm sorry I'll never be as good as I promise to be and I'm sorry I'll never live up to ghosts of your past.
I can only be myself, and that person is a failure, a hourly retail worker, a fuck up, a selfish bastard, a giant coward and an overly emotional train wreck.

I can only be myself, and that is a person who is full of hope that life will someday get better, and I won't have to beat myself up over what I am and am not anymore.