i'm bad at the internet...

I was writing this really awesome post about my big adventures while home, but my computer ate it. Le sigh.

I don't feel like retyping it all out, but I will leave you with a few key points from my Tuesday and Thursday night adventures:

1. When you are with Kate, things happen to you that would never happen on your own or with another friend.
2. I think my septum ring is a creep magnet.
3. Canadians will offer you a ride in their limo and lots of free booze if they perceive that group sex with you and two of your friends is in their future.
4. Despite holding out for group sex, said Canadians are usually gentlemen and can rid you of a creep quite effectively by telling everyone that you are their little sister (though most likely their hand will also be on your ass)
5. The Blue Note is the best gosh darn bar in the entire world.
6. Matrix = fake tans, tacky clothing, too much hair gel, bad cologne and old people???
7. Double fisting to take advantage of the drink special only seems like a good idea at the time.
8. Two Cape Cods, two rum and cokes, two shots of tequila and one redheaded slut within two hours span is entirely too much.
9. Trying to hold on to your dignity by explaining that you choose to throw up instead of involuntarily barfing does not work.
10. While barfing, mourning the loss of the cheese fries you just ate is never a good sign.
11. At two in the morning, Steak and Shake is the best thing ever.
12. Thank God Kate only has one birthday a year.
13. I heart Aliza.

I'm so terrible at blogging although 99.9% of the time I have nothing interesting to write about, so the care factor is low. Here is to 2006, I am really looking forward to the new year and hope spring eternal that this will be a great year.

excerpts...

Invisible Monsters, by Chuck Palahniuk

"Princess Princess," she yells after me, "It's not that I really want to be a woman." She yells, "Wait up!" Brandy yells, "I'm only doing this because it's just the biggest mistake I can think to make. It's stupid and destructive, and anybody you ask will tell you I'm wrong. That's why I have to go through with it."

Brandy says, "Don't you see? Because we're so trained to do life the right way. To not make mistakes." Brandy says, "I figure, the bigger the mistake looks, the better chance I'll have to break out and live a real life."

Like Christopher Columbus sailing toward disaster at the edge of the world.

Like Fleming and his bread mold.

"Our real discoveries come from chaos," Brandy yells, "from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish."

...

"But me," Brandy says, still in the bathroom doorway, still looking at her chipped nail polish, "I'm making the same mistake only so much worse, the pain, the money, the time, and being dumped by my old friends, and in the end my whole body is my story."

A sexual reassignment surgery is a miracle for some people, but if you don't want one, it's the ultimate form of self-mutilation.

She says, "Not that it's bad being a woman. This might be wonderful, if I wanted to be a woman. The point is," Brandy says, "being a woman is the last thing I want. It's just the biggest mistake I could think to make."

So it's the path to the greatest discovery.

It's because we're so trapped in our culture, in the being of being human on this planet with the brains we have, and the same two arms and two legs everybody has. We're so trapped that any way we could imagine to escape would bu just another part of the trap. Anything we want, we're trained to want.

...

She says, "You have to jump into disaster with both feet."

She throws the broken heels into the bathroom trash.

"I'm not straight, and I'm not gay." she says. "I'm not bisexual. I want out of the labels. I don't want my whole life crammed into a single word. A story. I want to find something else, unknowable, some place to be that's not on the map. A real adventure.

A sphinx. A mystery. A blank. Unknown. Undefined. Unknowable. Indefinable. Those were all the words Brandy used to describe me in my veils. Not just a story that goes and then, and then, and then, and then, until you die.

thanksgiving...

Gawd, my last post was so emo I want to punch myself in the face. My apologies to all who read it. In a brief update: Rachel is still paying the fine and the situation with my mother is resolving. After a year off, returning to AU is most likely what I'll do. The melodrama of that post is so irritating, ugh. No more, I promise!

Thanksgiving will always be my favorite holiday ever. There are so many things to love like, mashed potatoes, my Thanksgiving family, the Backyard Brawl, being home, trips to the Blue Note and hanging out with friends and family that I haven't seen in far too long.

I have no interesting stories to tell (do I ever though?) about break, but I had a wonderful time but I am happy to be back in DC.

doldrums...

I've been really stressed out recently, and not really in a place where I feel like I can effectively communicate well with anyone. This is evidenced by the phone conversation with my mother where I told her that I hate it at AU, I want to drop out and I want to start over somewhere new. Which is true, and I needed to tell her that, but the conversation (if it can even be called that) did not go well and a lot of nastiness was thrown from both sides. I know my mother and I know that she wants the best for me; however, it is a struggle to balance her views with the reality of my situation.

I also got into a fight with my little sister today over this situation she's been dealing with since Friday. She recently signed a citation and agreed to pay a fine for an act she didn't commit and was talked into and happy to sign. I don't understand how she feels and I guess it isn't my place to feel any certain way about it but I don't think she should take all of this crap lying down. The person on the other end of all of this shit is a total bitch who I'd like to punch in the face if given the opportunity.

Work also sucks, but thats another entry for another day. Even writing here is a trial, I just feel so ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh. I don't know. ugh.

online testeroo...

PittStop V...

I was SO amped for PittStop this year, which is something I haven't felt since I think the second PittStop. I was really pleasantly surprised by the new life the committee was able to breathe into the event and how smoothly the event ran overall. The hard work that they all put in months prior to the event really showed and it was a wonderful time. The t-shirts were still awful, but I digress.

Here is the rundown:

Friday: 2:30PM I meet Hyong, Jess and Laura and we begin the journey. After an uneventful stop in Breezewood we arrive at the house where we were supposed to stay. To say it was the creepiest house I have ever been in is not an exaggeration. Hyperbole isn't necessary to convey how horrific this house was. If a dead body fell out of one of the many hall closets, I wouldn't have been surprised. What really convinced me that I could NOT stay at this house was the "shower" which literally, was a bathtub with a hose attached.

After leaving the house we head to the dance. I manage to forget that Pittsburgh is notorious for 1/2 streets that don't connect through so we arrived at the dance only slightly delayed. On our way there I see Darcy going into the venue. I think I literally squealed and yelled "DARCY!" while also telling Hyong to take the next left. I haven't seen Darcy in ages, turns out she is in Denver now, possibly heading to California for grad school. We get to the dance I have to bum a dollar to get in. Little did I know this would be a recurring theme throughout the weekend as my bank mysteriously decided to freeze my account.

I get inside and the first person I see is Gail. Words can not express how happy this makes me. I adore Gail, she really is one of the most awesome people I know and to be half as awesome as her would be an accomplishment. She points me in the direction of Kate. I ran over and I think I might have spear tackled her out of excitement. You know you are in for a Katetastic weekend when literally the first thing she does after she tells you hello is hand you a Nalgene full of WTF and tells you to take a swig. When the sticky sweet tang of what you know will eventually turn into the worst hangover of your life fades from your mouth you are left with the most pleasant warm feeling all over. With her are Disco, Darcy a group of Canuks and Brian. She introduces me around and I get set to dance. The band was ok, kind of stoic a little boring but good. I was more interested in looking for my friends who were slowly arriving.

After a detour to the Blue Note (which still retains the title of my favorite bar ever) it was on to the late night dance. Afterthought provided the music for the dance and for being thrown together annually for PittStop, Afterthought are surprisingly good, though I was too exhausted to really dance. Thankfully Brian offered to host Kate and I after explained the housing situation we were facing. So after a long long long night of dancing we crashed at his place.

Saturday: Brian made Kate and I waffles which earned him the title of best host ever in my book and then it was onto the Saturday afternoon dance at the IBEW. Kate taught Brian a swing out and I got in a good dance with Asian Alan. At the end of his set Falty played a kick ass version of Black and Tan Fantasy, it is my new mission to hunt it down. After the dance I had planned on meeting up with my little sister, however since my funds were frozen I wasn't able to.

We had made plans to dine at Pasta Too in Bethel park with Disco, Gail, two of Disco's friends and Neil. After gorging myself on fried dough and wedding soup I wasn't able to touch my meal, regardless it was a great time. Kate and I sent Brian and Neil on a mission to buy tequila before the dance. The Saturday Night dance was nothing short of AMAZING, made possible by the addition of Aliza and the soundtrack provided by the Boilermakers. I blame the BMJB for my unreasonably high standards for bands at dance events, and they really outdid themselves for PittStop. FanFUCKINGtastic. It makes me so happy to see them gain more and more popularity thought the national scene, because they deserve all the recognition they get . I have yet to see any other band put more heart and more energy into every show.

I hop into Aliza's car and after a stop for smokes and a call to Damien, we head into the late night. The Solomon Douglas Trio was a perfect fit for late night. I was tired but I had a great time socializing and listening to the music. There was a blues room, but I gave up on it after realizing that I can't blues for crap with Kate when sober and more importantly there wasn't really anyone aside from Kate (and maybe 2 other leads) that I really wanted to dance with. Aliza and I said our goodbyes as she had to leave to go write a paper. I was so happy she came, I heart Aliza. Shortly after Darcy said her goodbyes and bowed out.

We knew after the dance that there needed to be a party. The question was where. After some venue juggling a place was found. Honestly, I was shocked this woman offered to host the party. I don't think she knew what she was getting into. Kate and I head to the kitchen. Set up the liquor. Others arrive, time for body shots. After letting Kate take my body shot virginity (I know, I know, I know it seems impossible I've been in Pittsburgh for so long without having done one, but it's true.) Kate becomes the shot master, she tells everyone who to lick and where and what to drink. This leads to pretty much everyone getting pretty toasted, pretty quickly. The hostess came in on several occasions to tell us to use our inside voices. There was a small amount of dancing that took place, but nothing will ever rival Jacki's after hours. It was pretty tame all things considered. I spent the evening (or early morning) punching people. It was a quality belligerent state I was in.

Sunday: After about 2 hours the hostess kicks us outside and Sierradave, Brian, Kate and I are sitting outside on her stoop, sobering up enough to drive back to Brian's to crash this went on for about 2 hours. I had the honor of driving. Thankfully, none of us died. We had planned to crash for an hour before meeting Disco and Gail for brunch. This did not happen. Slept until about 2:00PM and then went to the Sunday afternoon dance at Sanctuary. Left from there and arrived back at the old Idaho Ave. homestead around 9:30PM

It was a wonderful weekend all said and told. I miss everyone a whole lot already and I can't wait for the next round of Pittsburgh style carnage. Pictures will be forthcoming in a later post.

halloween...

After celebrating my first real Halloween in years I felt it was time for a proper update. The picture to my left is one of my favorites from the night and I'd like to call it "drunk at 1:00AM" This is of course before I threw the jack-o-lantern off the balcony in a whiskey fueled rage. What my rage was about, I am not so certain...

I'm finding it increasingly harder to blog about my life when I am happy. Perhaps an overhaul of my blogging habits needs to occur. It is fairly safe to say that if I am not posting, I am happy and that I don't need the catharsis that this format offers as much.

But about that happiness: Things with Damien are going really well. So well in fact, that I think I have to turn in my emo club card. I've held on to it for a good five years and I think now is the time to move on to the world of being a grown up and approach relationships in a manner accordingly. We'll see how this goes... One of the things that I admire about Damien so much is that he doesn't play games and is not about creating and perpetuating drama. He has his issues, like we all do, but at no point in the past three months has he projected his problems on me. Overall he is genuine and I appreciate that more than I'll ever be able to adequately express in words.

Other general housekeeping updates:

• I'll be home in Pittsburgh from Nov. 4-6th, if you want to get together, please feel free to call, especially if you want to go to Gullifty's.
  
• I can not wait to tear it up at Pittstop. Get the WTF ready!
• If my hair appears much darker to you, that is because it is. Lauren did the best job ever. I am still SO in love with it.
  

woah is me...

cross posted:


Dudes and Dudettes,

Most of you know of my upcoming road trip across the country to San Diego with Kate. I figure (ok well, mapquest figures) that we will be in the car for about 36 hours and what better way to spend the time than watching the landscape of the country unfold outside the window, planning side adventures and listening to quality music.

Here is where you come in. I mean sure, my collection of music is pretty much the best ever, but I would LOVE it if you would send me some suggestions of your favorite music for road trips and I would love it even more if you would send me a mix! (message me for my contact information)

It would be awesome!
Love,
Clare

70 x 7

It just irritates me and I don't know why I bother to continue to let it. It is obvious to me that you have a skewed view on what happened and why and while that irritates me what irritates me more is that you have some how convinced yourself that it is the truth and that you have done no wrong when that isn't really how things played out. And furthermore the truths you convince yourself of you did so for the express purpose of hurting me.

You can not say that "I played you like every other worthless relationship I've ever had that have all ended the same." I can honestly say, that NONE of my relationships have ended the way ours did. Perhaps you would like to confer with the four people I dated before you but I don't think any of them would say that they deliberately started hanging out with people for the express purpose of making me jealous and then playing us off each other for their own amusement all while cheating on me emotionally and physically and accusing me of horrible acts and begging me for sex. Nope, you are a whole new kind of asshole in my life, congratulations. Oh, and yeah... I'm SUCH a player, clearly you know me SO well. Who played who here? Were I playing a game, I don't think it would have ended with my boyfriend doing all the aforementioned. Spencer for all of his faults broke up with me in the way that he thought would be best for me.

And you let your car break down? How does that work exactly? You did lose your job after that 20 days (21 actually, but who's counting) but if you recall, that happened because you DID NOT CALL THEM until it was way way way too late to do anything about it, despite the fact that I asked you several times because I was worried excessively about it and you acted like you couldn't have cared less. If you also recall I also lost out on that one, but no, I don't blame you for causing me to drop out of school, I don't blame you for anything so fuck you and fuck your scapegoat theory. And as for you line about getting shit for my parents, they sent you an email where they expressed a small measure of uneasiness at our cohabitation for 21 days. Yeah they dumped on you SOO much when they told me that they thought highly of you and that they liked you and when they invited you over for dinner. Also I wasn't aware that my offers to pay for your gas and your food while you were visiting was such a hassle for you that you needed to bitch about your visits to DC.

All of this woe is me bullshit, it just re-enforces your selfish nature. It's glaringly obvious that you are unable to see beyond yourself. What you call selflessness on behalf of Nicole is really you selfishly holding on to possibility. The easy way out is to continue to scrape by doing what you are doing. The hard way out is to try and advance your situation by the means you have at your disposal. If you are not looking for something better and if you are not trying to advance your marketability within the job force you are not doing the hard thing. From time to time we all need to be a little selfish, there is nothing wrong with that, but when you fail to see beyond yourself at all, you fail to be able to really love, because love requires more than just superficial sacrifices. And placing everything you have emotionally into a relationship because it is the only thing you have going for you is selfish too. That is a lesson I learned long before you came around. Remember when Noni told you that the "other half" theory was bullshit and that you needed to look for another whole? She had it right.

I don't even have to wonder if this will make you upset or not. I know that the answer will be yes, but you should figure out what makes you more upset, that I bothered to contact you at all about this or that there is some measure of truth to what I am saying.

from the old blog...

This is an entry from my old blog that I wrote over the summer shortly after my 22nd birthday. I really like it, despite the fact that it is abundantly clear I was not in a good place when I wrote it. It is the truth although stretched some extent, I suppose the catharsis was in writing everything down, even the exaggerated thoughts. At this point I'd only add: hope springs eternal, and thank the good Lord I am no longer in that place.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, July 26, 2005


I look at my forearm. I see my skin, marked with the flaws and scars of a life lived. I can explain most of them away through lies about accidents or clumsiness, but the truth is that even the most innocent scars are self inflicted.

My two most prominent scars are marks from the steering wheel of my old car. The official explanation is that I was trying to change lanes and I didn't see that traffic had stopped in front of me. I drove into another car going over 45 miles per hour. I remember looking ahead at the last second and seeing the rear of the car in front of me approaching quickly. I meant to hit the brakes, but instead I accelerated into the mini-van. I don't know why I did this, I know where the break is and I don't think that I could have missed it on accident. I've read that people view pain as a healing agent and a purifier and I find some truth in that. Did I seek out my salvation in the back of a mint green Chrysler Town & Country? Did I want that pain?

I wanted the pain last week when I stood in the Rocky mountains, well over 12,000 feet in the air. I asked my family to leave me there for a few hours. I laid on the ground feeling the rocks irritate my back, I let my nose crack and bleed, I let the sun blister my skin and I let the thinness of the air make me sick and cold. I never felt the blood flowing in my veins more acutely. I never felt my head so clear. I never was more aware of myself. When I reunited with my family, I could read the uneasiness in their faces and I don't blame them, my blood soaked shirt and scrapped exterior couldn't have been easy for them to understand. What was probably harder for them to understand was the smile on my face.

I thought a lot while I was laying up there, mostly my failures at love and the most startling self actualization that like the pain I was seeking out, the salvation and distraction that love offers is fleeting and unsatisfying. Or at least it can be, because the reality of loving someone is that it is conditional. I thought back to my days when I was a much more spiritual person than I am now. I used to seek my salvation in Jesus and despite understanding that he was sent for that purpose, I don't know anymore if I can believe in it. God tells us that his love is unconditional, but my experiences with love tell me that it has to be otherwise. This grappling with my faith is difficult. I see it come easily to my parents and I almost resent them for it. Perhaps, seeking out God's love for yourself allows you to love someone else a lot easier?

I wonder it all comes down to some Henry David Thoreau bullshit about self-reliance. How ultimately your salvation has to come from yourself? And what you make of your short time on earth is living in your wilderness and forging your own path? Though I can't believe in the gospel of Thoreau either, since Walden Pond was a stone's throw away from his mother's home where he dined each night and collected his mail.

Despite my own quandaries about salvation the scars remain constants for everyone. Whether we inject ink or shove metal through them or like myself, inflict our own, they are marks that indicate that we aren't happy with who we think we are. I'm learning rapidly though that marking your skin is as empty a change as switching socks and what worries me most is the marks that I've made on the inside of myself that I can't change.

SOMP...

This past weekend, at the behest of my parents I road-tripped into the wilds of semi-rural Virgina (with Damien) to join my parents and several of their friends at their annual Fall reunion. (The event attended was the SOMP Fall Golf Classic in which my father disappointingly took second place.) As a child these reunions used to always be boring or awkward for me and my siblings as we were forced to take a back seat to our parent's past lives. What I failed to realize, was the significance in between the in-jokes and the teasing and the warm smiles. The significance is that the shared history between my father and the other men in the group extends throughout the entirety of their lives. They were all born within the same week in March, in the same town, 52 years ago. Their history extends back to painting old lady Chapman's garage with stolen paint, playing stick ball in the alleyways, graduation, marriages, children, deaths of parents and marriages of their children. Most of the women in this group are from the same town or like my mother moved their during high school. After these weekends my parents always seem so much happier. I think it is because they get to touch base with people who really know who they are, who know where they have come from and where they are going.

This year was somewhat bittersweet for me. It brought into sharp relief the people who have come and gone in my life. I suppose this isn't the time or place to muse over blame or wonder what could have been or what memories could have been made but I ruminate over these things too much, I think. In some cases the break up of the friendship was probably for the best, but there are others I don't think I'll ever have a clear view on. Example:

There was a girl I went to elementary school with. We were in the same Girl Scout troop we were close through high school (despite a few events in her life that at the time I wasn't really prepared to deal with let alone offer her solace) We learned how to dance together. We were on the rowing team together. We leave in different directions for collage and communication between us was sparse but when back home we spent a lot of time together. Over time we gradually drifted apart. Communication became more sparse. I went home for the fourth of July weekend; coming out of a nasty cycle of self loathing brought on by a recent break up and I ran into her. She bounds up to me, I just wanted to leave. I was miserable and it had nothing to do with her. I read in her livejournal the following week her accounts of the fourth of July and all about her encounter with me, her "friend," the "bitch." I think I left a comment. I don't remember what it said, but I am sure I didn't apologize for acting coldly. I do know I am too proud when confronted to do that. I was hoping for an apology from her but one never came and again, my pride seems to be standing in my way. I've seen her a few times since then and it has always been awkward. I choose to ignore every thing about the situation, probably not the most mature move, but I also don't know what to say. The unresolved nature of the whole ordeal is what upsets me the most, though I do miss her friendship. It was also painfully clear that we approached life in drastically different ways and our lack of communications since high school make painfully apparent that we aren't that close anymore. Was it for the best, was it not? Who knows?

I do know that the people I have in my life are wonderful dear people whom I cherish and I can only hope that in 30 years we're all sitting around sharing and creating joy together. I hate feeling so far removed from them in DC and I miss each of them more and more daily...

the great adventure...

I have the worst luck with New Year's Eve plans. As a holiday it has always been the biggest let down. Greatness is planned and mediocrity is the reality. Never fear for the start of 2006! This year will either be the greatest adventure of all time or I'll end up dead.

The Plan: Kate needs to move to her next nursing assignment which starts in early January in sunny San Diego. We will take off from Pittsburgh at some point after Christmas, hit the open road and spend a few days driving to California where the Rhythmic Arts Festival is taking place around and over New Year's Eve. I don't know who we are going to stay with or how long it is going to take or if we'll die or not, but I do know that it will be spectacular.

It should be fun to go to a big dance event. I haven't been to one in what seems like forever. I have soured on the scene somewhat so hopefully this will be a breath of fresh air and quite frankly even if it sucks (which I doubt) I'll get to see the Pacific Ocean and I can not complain about that.

My one regret about this trip is that even though we are headed out west we won't be able to make a stop in Fort Collins, CO to visit my favorite relatives, but alas it is very out of the way. This trip will however, expand my list of states visited and give me stories to tell the grandkids etc.

work rant...

I expect a certain level of stress while at work. It's hectic work, not life altering or anything mind you, but it does impact your mental condition to some extent. I am sick to death, however; of leaving work stressed out. I hate sitting at home wondering when my manager will sporadically change my schedule to suit his needs or when I'll be fired for telling my boss exactly where to stick his bullshit. I would just like to be able to leave the stress at work, and I don't think that is too much to ask. I like my job, (as much as you can like a shithole part time job) but I hate the high levels of bullshit that I have to deal with on a daily basis. If it isn't a condescending and difficult customer, it's my shift supervisors consistently all over my workspace with constant critiques or it it's a ridiculously difficult customer.

I don't think any of my stresses or stressors are really that unusual. rather I think my feelings are somewhat universal which begs me to ask the question "if everyone I work with feels this way too, why is it that everyone is such a bastard to everyone else?" I think that at best we should all recognize the commonality in our personal strifes at work, but the reality is the worst, where we are all nasty to each other.

holes...

I finally got my septum re-pierced last week. This time I think it might still be a little off, but I am not sure if it looks off because it was again pierced at an angle or it looks off because the retainer isn't symmetrical. If I were to ever change the jewelery I think it would hang straight and that is all that really matters to me at this point. Regardless, I doubt I'll be going back to the same shop for more work in the future. I wasn't that impressed. Both piercers I talked to were pretty standoffish and I could have done without the condescension.

What I missed most about this sojourn was that Kate wasn't there to share the experience with me again. It was such an experience the first time and without her I almost chickened out. However I am glad I went through with it again. It feels a lot better this time even though it bled considerably more. I am happy to have it back and I forgot how much I missed it.

I will be updating more throughout the week, lots to catch up on.

the switch...

After deciding that blogger is a better fit for my online journaling needs, I've made the jump over. You can read my archives here.